What're Youz Up Tae?

Foam

Apparently Glasgow is the best place in the country to go shopping. Lots of people say so, especially in Glasgow.*

I was sceptical until today. Today I found the Foam Store - a foam monger, if you like. This is a shop that sells nothing but foam; not the soapy kind but the spongy kind. You can have foam any size or shape you want. It's all they do. They don't even sell cushion covers. Just foam. Mountain of it. They've even got a bum-shaped bit of foam with a hole cut out to keep the pressure off your farmers** and a wee guy with glasses and a pencil behind his ear who will cut your foam any shape you want.

Not only does Glasgow have a shop that sells nothing but foam, it is probably the only city where you can have a conversation like this (it'll work better if you imagine it's sundown and whistle that wild-west tune like they do in the Cowboy movies):

Me "Say, I'm uh lookin' for some foam."

Foam Monger: "Well I guess you've come to the right place. What you got in mind kid?"

"I'm thinking maybe grey, about 120mm x 340mm x 60 mm."

"Well we got 600mm x 400mm x 65mm."

"I guess that could work."

"I got a cutting tool out back, I can cut to size. How you put for time?"

"That depends on how accurate's your tool?"

"Oh it's accurate alright."

"How accurate?"

"Well I could shave you off a clean 4mm before you could say jackrabbit and wouldn't leave a mark."

"Okay, I'll give it a go."

"Comin' right up."

*According to the 2003-2004 UK Shopping Index compiled by Management Horizons Europe (MHE), Glasgow remains the top retail centre in the UK, based on its range of shopping on offer. Glasgow’s main shopping thoroughfare, Buchanan Street, has been named as one of the world’s top retail destinations - www.seeglasgow.com

** Farmer Giles - piles. Geddit?