February 06, 2006


I badly want to support our wire-rim wearing Nordic cousins over all this cartoon bullshit - but how?
Whole Muslims countries are "boycotting Denmark" so I figure the best counter-protest is to buy as much Danish stuff as possible. But what does Denmark really make except bacon? Should I buy more bacon? Muslims don't even eat it, so buying more than I already do would be a zero-sum protest. No. More pork won't solve the crisis. Lego is our only option. We need to go out and buy barrow-loads of Denmark's only other export.
"But," I hear you cry: "What will we do with barrow-loads of plastic bricks?" Well, followers, we're going to build a 100 ft Lego Muhammad with a children's chute spouting out of his turban like a bomb fuse. The slide will carry hollering kids snake-like round the prophet's body towards the ground. Better yet, it's going to be part of the new Legoland complex we're building to replace Denmark's burnt-out embassy in Lebanon. Amongst picturesque models of European capitals we'll have little Israeli bulldozers ripping through Palestinian refugee camps. Miniature buses will sporadically detonate around the park just to keep visitors on their toes.

At first, some will object - especially Lego executives. I understand. Afterall, it runs contrary to everything their founder Ole Kirk Christiansen stood for when he started out way back in 1934. His philosophy was that toys were "nutrition for children's souls" and consequently, his company was not allowed to make anything even slightly military.* His successors uphold that code to this day.
I think old Ole was a patriot though. He'd be cool with Lego suicide bombers: not spinning violently in his grave. They'd only have to put turbans on the little Lego guys and sit them in the firm's existing extensive range of toy planes, trains and automobiles. Rucksacks from the late '80s Lego Pirate range would double as backpack bombs and the "goodies" could be CIA agents in Lego Star Wars X-Wing Spaceships. No violation of Danish pride or Lego philosophy need occur as Terrorists aren't military - are they George? Otherwise there wouldn't be hundreds of suspects rotting in Guantanamo Bay. How could Christiansen be pissed at that?
Okay. So the Lego plan is a bit of fantasy. All my best ideas are. More productive, and safer, to stay in and get wasted on Carlsberg.

One thing though; The Danes hate to see it leave...

* I know this much about Lego because I used to be in the official Lego fanclub and have been to Legoland. Honestly. The real Danish Legoland too - not the piss-poor English imitation.