May 08, 2006

Scotch, Custard, Apple, American, Mince or Porkie...Pies (Lies)

TheUrbanMonk offers a mix of opinion, journal and, to be (dis)honest the occasional outright whopper. The Brazilian Excursion, for example, is all true. In fact its a fairly watered-down account of a gonzo rampage up the Brazilian coast. Mr Honky Tonk and I, on the other hand, never really met French seagulls at the coast with machine guns. Mr Honky Tonk does exist though.
I'm levelling with you because I need to stress that this next bit is true: I just saw a Traffic Warden do something nice. Honestly. Standing on the street outside the office enjoying the glorious sunshine (which annoyingly disappeared on Friday afternoon and reappeared on Monday morning) I was pondering what next to write here when, as if directed by the almighty himself, a motorist in distress (female) got stuck behind a lorry and lo, a traffic warden came to her rescue.
I'm afraid that's the punchline. Whoppers, however, are much more fun. Like me telling Carolann the other day that Ziggy Stardust was a biblical character.
That was just for kicks but sometimes you really do have to think about whether or not to tell the truth. An early example of such a dilemma was the time my Dad confronted a 12-year-old me with empty beer cans he had found up the back garden. What to do? Lie and say "Yes. I drank them, I'm your man" or tell the truth; that I had destroyed them with a perilously-dangerous yet tremendously entertaining home-made blowtorch? I told the truth back then but I don't think it did me any good. I'm a raging alcoholic and my Dad still thinks I copied my final-year English essay off the internet (I got an A by the way. No copying).
Even so, I usually tell the truth nowadays. Here are a few examples, however, of times I didn't:
"I've owned this car for years sir, every one of them trouble free. This Vauxhall is a joy to drive and yours for £400."
Or: "Of course I'm 18. I've got stubble don't I? Look. Here, just under my nose."
Probably wasn't as serious as: "Perimeter checked Boss. The compound is safe and secure. I can categorically assure you that there are no hooligans presently relieving an articulated lorry of £25,000 worth of stock."
Which led me swiftly on to: "Asleep on the job Boss? Certainly not. I was lying in wait. There's been a lot of site burglaries round here recently. I was simply luring the perpetrators into a false sense of security in a daring effort to save the company thousands of pounds. The pillow? Part of my disguise."
And: "What do you mean I don't look or behave like a representative of Her Majesty's Foreign and Commonwealth Office? Can't you tell from my pasty white chest and Union Jack swimming trunks? I demand you call the embassy."