Hello Mr Honky Tonk

Everyone has to earn a crust. I earn mine by manning the phones for a major international newscaster. We only deal with complaints and queries but some people just don't get it. I swear this country is around half-populated by certifiable loonies. The best one is an eccentric old Tory who's real name I'm not going to use. From time to time though, he calls me Mr Honky Tonk so that's what I'm going to call him.

There are outrageous old bigots and there's Mr Honky Tonk. Noone escapes his comedy hatred - especially Arabs and Irish people. It's as if his social attitude receptors were deep-fried in 1945.

I stopped arguing with him a long time ago; there's no point. Now I, along with all the other battery chickens in this office, just humour him and laugh. From now on I'm going to record the conversations I have with him on this blog (for want of better, or more interesting, material).

Wed Jan 11

"Good morning, how can I help?"

"Put me through to the Iraninan division please."

"Um, I don't think we have an Iraninan division sir. Perhaps I can help?"

"Are you Irish? I can't stand the Irish you know. They're a useless bunch."

"Em no. I'm Scottish."

"Aha! Scottish eh? I love the Scots. I served with the Blackwatch you know."

"I like us too. Now how can I help you?"

"I need to tell those Arabs to stop building nuclear bombs, right this instant."

"Well, perhaps you should speak to the World Service. I think they broadcast in that part of the world."

"Will they pass my message on to the Arabs?"

"They might. Who knows."

"Very well, give me the number and hurry up about it, there's no time to waste, you know."

"The number is 020* *** **** but they don't open till 10 o'clock."

"Don't open till 10? What's the use of that? It's already lunch-time in Iran. I thought you were supposed to be international."

"I agree. Doesn't seem very international does it?"

"No it doesn't. Listen here, it's crucial that my message gets through to Ayatollah thingimajig or whatever he's called these days. They have to be stopped. We don't like it one bit. We don't like the smelly old has-been Tony Blair either. He has to go - no later than Friday."

"Is that 'we' as in 'the Royal we' or 'we' as in your local branch of the Conservative Party?"

" 'We' as in the *********** branch of the Conservative Party of course. Who else would I be talking about?"

"Just checking."

"Right well. If the World Service doesn't open till 10, that gives me time to get back on to the Iranian Embassy. They open at 9. Toodle-ooh. Honk honk!"

Line goes dead.